This experience would last anywhere from twenty seconds to several minutes. I could tell how long it had been by how many pages I had to turn to catch up after I returned. I would come back so refreshed and clean. It was as though a big bath of healing energy had flushed through my entire being, clearing away all this internal debris with it. Perhaps this force somehow moved into the physical structures of my body and cleared out all the chemical and hormonal residues from present and past stresses.
This went on for years and years. Every morning, I would be treated to at least one of these baths. Sometimes the flow was subtle, other times dramatic. Sometimes it was sweet and loving, other times it was like a firehose blasting through my body and into my head. Sometimes I would sit very still, other times my body would be moved, vibrating and shaking with the powerful force. I would be completely still inside, resting in the "inner sanctum," the "upper room."
I tried to maintain some composure so as not to draw attention to myself during the chanting sessions. But there was a point when my self-conscious mind had to let go into this delicious rush of energy. A few times, I even fell forward, surprising the unsuspecting chanter in front of me.
During this time, I discovered another intriguing concept, urdhvaretas. This was a practice of celibacy, in which the subtle, potentially sexual life essence is transformed into higher energies of creativity or spirituality. I wondered if this was related to my daily energy surges.
It might seem surprising that I wouldn't have jumped into sexual activity during my teens, especially considering the wild lifestyle of my family and friends. Maybe their lack of fulfillment was a lesson to me that sex did not necessarily bring happiness. Also, I had made the decision to wait when one of my friends confided to me the regret she felt about having broken her virginity with a fellow who worked in a traveling carnival. Within two days, the show had moved on, and he with it. I decided not to make the same mistake. I would wait until I fell in love. Who knew I would be spending my twenties in an ashram!
Even so, it wasn't an issue. Just as my maternal instincts hadn't kicked in at age seven when I opted for a chemistry set over dolls, so my internal energy was not manifesting as a desire to be sexual with another human being. Instead, it was bursting forth through my drum-playing and flowing through each creative moment in this rich environment. And early every morning, as the sun was just beginning to rise outside, this energy would shoot up my body with a thrill that was as ecstatic as any sensual pleasure I'd ever known.
I didn't miss a morning chant for ten years. Every day, I would wake up at four or five a.m. to shower, have a cup of freshly made Indian chai tea, and go to the temple or meditation hall for this hour-and-a-half chant. This was how I began every day for ten years. For the most part, my dedication was based on a desire to be disciplined and on my enjoyment of the spiritual experiences that were coming to me through this practice. But after a few years, there was also an element of ego involved – I had a record going! So I became somewhat fanatical about attending this chanting session. Even after working late into the night, I would pull myself out of bed while the world still lay in dark silence, ready to sing God's name.
Journal notes:
The Sweet
The Sweet ,
Its presence more real than my own
Under, under everything
and always there - here - right here
Inside of me
I Am
Inside the Sweet.
The precious
Love beyond love
Experience beyond experience
Memory beyond memory.
How can I forget it
again and again?
Is it only for the bliss of rediscovery?
The longing and its fulfillment
Returning to the Eternal real
that exists within itself
Alone, containing nothing
and perfectly full
as it always has been.
To taste this state is so important
beyond importance.
To taste the Sweet.
There is nothing else to do
but taste the Sweet.
On to Chapter Eighteen
Back to The Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Awakening
Chapter 2: Never to Return
Chapter 3: I Chose This?
Chapter 4: Through the Years
Chapter 5: Exploring the Unconscious
Chapter 6: Faith-Healer
Chapter 7: Hidden Persuaders
Chapter 8: The Threshold of Life
Chapter 9: When the Student is Ready
Chapter 10: Magical Meeting
Chapter 11: Toward the One
Chapter 12: Who is Shiva?
Chapter 13: Destiny Calls
Chapter 14: Winter Wonderland
Chapter 15: The Happy Pauper
Chapter 16: This Karmic Dance
Chapter 17: Stoking the Inner Fire
Chapter 18: The Fruits of Surrender
Chapter 19: That Gracious Glance
Chapter 20: How Could He Be Gone?
Chapter 21: From Heart to Heart
Chapter 22: Get a Job
Chapter 23: Smash the Idol
Chapter 24: Clothed in Devotion
Chapter 25: Nemesis
Chapter 26: Who Are You Calling Jad?
Chapter 27: A Perfect Mistake
Chapter 28: She Still Thinks She Did It!
Chapter 29: Taming the Beast
Chapter 30: Undo What You Have Done
Chapter 31: The Great Guiding Force
Chapter 32: The Wish Fulfilling Tree
Chapter 33: Where is the Key?
Chapter 34: Kumuda Gump
Chapter 35: A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Nirvana
Chapter 36: Love, Betrayal, and the Unseen Hand of God
Chapter 37: An Inner Command
Chapter 38: Cardiff by the Sea
Chapter 39: Miracles and Great Beings
Chapter 40: Shiva's Fiery Dance
Chapter 41: A Shifting Path
Chapter 42: Cheering up Nine Swamis
Chapter 43: Death Threat
Chapter 44: Spirituality For Dummies
Chapter 45: A Real Angel
Chapter 46: Send in the Clowns
Chapter 47: Dispassion and Death's Door
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