NEVER TO RETURN:
A MODERN QUEST FOR ETERNAL TRUTH
A Multimedia Spiritual Adventure Memoir
by Sharon Janis
I thank God for my handicaps, for through them,
I have found myself, my work and my God.– HELEN KELLER
Chapter Three
I CHOSE THIS?
IN CERTAIN SPIRITUAL CIRCLES, there is a belief that the soul who reincarnates into our many lifetimes has chosen the specific circumstances of each life, theoretically to learn certain lessons. If this is so, I’ve often wondered, then why might I have chosen my parents?
Both my mother and father were somewhat narcissistic, only children, with little interest in taking care of anyone else. They had been forced into these parental roles by a society that dictated, at the time, that marriage and children were required and expected from them. If the cultural tides had not shifted during my generation, perhaps I too would be in the same boat right now, having to take care of children I may not really want, instead of having an opportunity to live life according to my more independent nature.
I suspect the maternal instinct was bred out of our family's genetic pool a few generations back. When I was a child, my mother told me, "If you want to be happy, don't ever have kids." This was during one of the rare moments when she actually spoke to me. At the time, I took her words somewhat personally, nevertheless, this suggestion also gave me the parental permission to break free from the templates of cultural expectation. I didn't have to follow the same path.
My parents were not really prepared for the extreme responsibility of rearing children. Emotionally, they were children themselves, barely twenty when they got married. The childhood needs of my sister and I kept our parents from pursuing their own dreams, and they resented us for this. Both of our parents had married one another mainly to get away from their family homes. What they really wanted was to be happy and free, but first they had to satisfy all the expectations of their friends and relatives. Even before the wedding cake crumbs were cleared away, came the inevitable next question: "When are you going to have children?"
So there we were, my sister and I, more products of society's expectations than of true love. Within a few years, my parents realized that they had very little in common, and over the years, they grew to despise one another. Our house was filled with a constant backdrop of yelling and screaming, insults and accusations. If this had happened today, they would have simply recognized their mistake and gotten a divorce, as do more than 50% of married couples. However, this was the early 1960s, and, at that time, society frowned upon divorce. My parents certainly did not want to be ostracized by their families and peers! No, they were stuck with one another, and with us. Their marriage lasted for nearly twenty years, with each going through a series of affairs and relationships in an effort to achieve at least a taste of freedom and affection.
Not that these were very affectionate people. I cannot remember a single time throughout my childhood that either parent touched me in anything but punishment. There were no hugs, kisses, or whispered I love you’s. This entire arena of nurturing parental care was completely unknown to my sister and I, although we did receive a good amount of affection from our grandparents.
If I were looking for the golden sky peeking through this particularly stormy aspect of my childhood, it might be that the lack of physical affection gave me a certain self-reliance. Perhaps someone who is meant to live a more monastic-style life might even choose to be born in a family that does not create too many deep-seated needs for outer nurturing. This childhood neglect taught me to seek comfort inside myself. I didn’t spend the rest of my life seeking external relationships that might recapture some sweet, comforting affection of childhood.
From an early age, my sister and I were somewhat on our own. By the time we were in gradeschool, our parents had started to hang out with a partying crowd, and we never really knew when they would be coming home. But we grew to like it that way – after all, when there was noone home, there was nobody to bug us to do anything we didn’t want to do. We often had the whole house to ourselves. Only upon hearing the sound of the garage door opening would we run up into our respective rooms and close the doors. Most of the time, we just wanted to be left alone. We were both independent, and did not like being told what to do, ever.
Not surprisingly, my sister and I lacked certain social skills. Because of this, we were teased mercilessly throughout elementary school. For the most part, our childhood life was not fun.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Why me?"
Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."—CHARLIE BROWN
Yet all this turmoil also brought some unique opportunities. Even the disdain of my classmates served a wonderful purpose when viewed with optimistic objectivity. I learned to depend on myself. I didn’t get quite as indoctrinated into the world of favoritism, groupthink, secrets, and judgments that come with entering most social systems of childhood friends. Sometimes the other kids would get bored and use those of us who had been deemed “less than” as a dartboard for their barbs and taunts, however most of the time, I spent alone. During recess, instead of hanging out with the other kids, I would often sit off to the side, observing their behavior. Or I would spend the time watching a squirrel gathering food, or enjoying the peaceful contrast of sitting quietly in the midst of noisy and playful activity.
In the fertile ground of inner silence, I would think about life. Due to my inward focus, I didn't become quite as indoctrinated into the limiting ideas of the society around me. I evolved my own morals, my own desires and goals, at least to some degree. Along with this, I managed to avoid a common habit many people seem to have developed, of putting themselves down. Maybe because so many others were available to do this for me, I learned to support and stand by myself no matter what. If I made a mistake, it was simply a mistake. I've always been shocked to hear acquaintances say that they hate themselves – such thoughts would never have entered my mind or heart.
I can imagine myself in that space before this life-breath, choosing these parents who would give me the independence required for the lessons before me. Although our family situation may seem undesirable from society's viewpoints, the lack of parental support and expectations did have its appropriate place in my soul's journey through this life, and for this, I am grateful.
On to Chapter Four
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