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"Until one has loved an animal, part of one's soul remains unawakened."

— Anatole France

Chapter Forty-Five

A REAL ANGEL

 

IN JUNE OF 1996, having gone through some challenging times physically and emotionally, I had the good fortune to move into a precious "good vibe" house near the ocean in beautiful Cardiff by the Sea. Even though the challenges didn't stop — it would take years to recover my health, and my reputation in my spiritual community had been virtually destroyed by rumors spread by someone I'd considered to be a close friend — I did have the blessings of a peaceful atmosphere and time to heal and delve into new areas of spiritual growth. 

I fit naturally into a hermit-style mode, and hadn't even given my forwarding number to most old friends from Hollywood. However, after several months of being almost completely alone, I suddenly felt deeply lonely. This was unusual, because I usually loved being alone.  But I was spending, I once figured out, about 98% of my time alone, and in this moment, I felt a tearful longing for some connection, friendship, and affection in my life.   At the same time, I didn't want to get too close to people, so the longing didn't come along with a clear vision of what I was longing for.

In that moment, I started to cry, and dared to tell God that I was lonely. I say dared, because once before in my life, I'd told God that I was lonely (see Chapter 35: A Funny Thing Happened On My Way to Nirvana), and what happened afterwards turned into as traumatic an experience as anything I'd ever experienced.

On this day, just months after moving to this new town in 1996, I sat on my couch, weeping and asking God to fill my loneliness — without having any idea of what I was asking for. Certainly, I was not looking for another romantic relationship, but I really didn't know what exactly I was requesting.

Then, right there — right in that moment, with tears still in my eyes — I heard a "meow" at the back door, and opened it to find a sweet little cat looking up at me.   She wasn't afraid at all, and let me scoop her up and pet her.

Now, I got it that God/The Universe was answering my prayer by sending this sweet little being to comfort me, but it didn't occur to me that this little cat was going to stay and never again leave the property, which is what happened.  Eventually I realized that she was here to stay, and asked her what her name was. Inside, I heard a response, "Angel."

And an angel, she was. Through this little being, I experienced mutual, sincere, and unconditional love, perhaps for the first time.  Through our interactions and my own feelings toward my little friend, I learned more about how God loves.  I'm sure many experience these kinds of love through their families or children, but I hadn't really experienced a mutual, day-to-day loving relationship until now.  Of course, I'd had great devotional love for my gurus, and I felt a trust that they also loved me on that higher plane of divine love, but with Angel, I was in a daily interactive relationship with this pure love, as it manifested in how I spoke to her, and how I acted to love and take care of her.  And the loving actions were mutual, with each species expressing friendship and gratitude in our own ways.

For ten years, Angel and I were best friends. Most mornings, she'd hop into bed for a morning snuggle-snooze, and she was almost always friendly and well tempered, though with a bit of mischievous flavor. She did like to try and come up with places to hide and seemed to enjoy watching or listening as I looked for her. Anyway, it was all in good fun. Angel and I had frequent conversations in "cat-speak".  One acquaintance who met Angel called her "Kumuda in cat form." Angel, like me, was different from most cats — she wasn't interested in the usual cat toys or in playing usual cat games, just as I wasn't so interested in usual human toys and games.

Once I happened upon Angel with a dead bird in her mouth.  I don't know if she killed it or found it.  I'd prefer to think that she found it on the ground, but the likely odds are that she killed it.  Being a fairly strict vegetarian at the time, I scolded Angel.  She was usually receptive to my tone of voice, and seemed to want to follow most of my instructions.  This time I was a little louder in tone than usual, and I tapped her on the nose, saying, "Don't kill!" 

Angel looked at me, and seriously, I could almost hear her voice saying, "Hey, I'm a cat!" 

This was a good spiritual lesson, reminding me of how many “spiritual folks” like to tell others what to do and how to live their lives.  For example, some new-agers like to pressure other folks to fit into some sort of nonjudgmental, "I love everyone" fluffy box that is not necessarily honest or sincere.  Of course, if we've grown enough spiritually to be nonjudgmental and to love everyone, that is great, even fabulous.  But this little teaching from Angel reminded me to not worry too much about what others were doing — and she was kind enough to not bring any more dead critters around once the lesson was received.

In fact, Angel would lay out on the table in front of my house, often with birds hopping and bathing all around her, without even being phased by it or attacking them. When I'd come out to put more birdseed into the feeder, the birds would fly away, and I would chuckle and say, "Hey, I'm the bringer of food.  She's a cat!" 

Angel was very sweet, and we became very close friends — she wasn't just some ignorant beast, but an intelligent soul with a definite personality.  I felt that Angel had clearly been sent as an angel to comfort me, befriend me, and even love me at a time when I really needed these things. 

Angel didn't have the usual kind of fur that most cats have, but rather the kind of fur you would find on a so-called "wild" animal.  Her fur and markings totally reminded me of squirrel fur, and squirrels had been fine friends to me during my early childhood, as they are to this day. She was a tabby-abyssinian mix, which also suited me, since my family roots apparently stretch from royalty to simple folks.

 

 

When I'd take Angel to the pet store for a nail clipping, she'd happily sit in the basket as I pushed it around to visit all the birds, fish, and less fortunate kitties in cages.  The employees and customers would react with almost shock at seeing her behave so well in the cart, which actually surprised me, since it seemed so natural that she would behave well, since we were friends.  I'd imagine that some parents also find this kind of friendship with their children where they don't have to go through too much resistance and angst.  I treated Angel as an equal, although one with different abilities and limitations, and she responded back in kind.  As I used to say, "We're equal, but I can reach the doorknob."

Every evening when I returned from my sunset walk to the ocean, Angel's little face would be in the window waiting for my return. Yet, she also had her own independence, and would spend her days lounging in various areas of our front and back yards, enjoying nature and generally staying within our property lines.  Finally, after all those nasty shenanigans with Suze, and their aftermaths, I was able to have great relationship with a good natured being who didn't get jealous, argue, take things the wrong way, or try to harm me in any way.

I did have to make certain sacrifices to help give Angel a good life, but I was happy to make them in the spirit of love and friendship.  Angel loved to spend her days outside, but she had to be inside by the time it was dark, because various animals such as raccoons, skunks, and opossums would roam around our house at night.  This meant that pretty much every day for ten years, I had to be home before dark — a requirement that was definitely one more support toward keeping a hermit's monastic-style life.

Angel loved to sit on my desk while I was writing my books, and was a true friend and angel, at a time when I needed both. Three and a half years before she passed, I took her to a vet, who said that she had kidney failure, and that without either a kidney transplant or dialysis, she might not live for more than two months. Being a penniless pauper without proper healthcare for myself for many years, these extreme measures were not even options. Instead I started to give Angel a subcutaneous IV of fluids every day, along with some natural supplements, all her favorite foods, and love. This went on for 3 and 1/2 years, as our friendship grew even closer.

Throughout her life, Angel stayed very small and always looked somewhat like a kitten.  What a true blessing she was to me during those years of austerity and creative service.

 

 

One reason pets are so good for our well-being as well as our good karmas is that these interspecies friendships give a rare and easy opportunity for us to give selflessly and love freely, without the usual tangled webs of communications and miscommunications that often exist in human-to-human interactions.

Human love too often comes with conditions, expectations, and resentments, but when we remove the potential barbs of language and focus on the kindness, care, and loving expressions through tone of voice and flavor of movement, action, and touch, it is possible to experience an even more profound and sincere love with our little furry friends than with human ones.

The great Sufi poet Rumi gives a great secret when he describes how the way we love is the way God will be with us. Ultimately, everything in this world is a manifestation of the divine creator, therefore, whenever you give love to anything in this creation, you are giving love to God. A beloved pet gives an opportunity to express a pure, clear, simple, and deep love through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, giving greater opportunity for our universal destiny — a reflection of our actions, thoughts, and feelings — to reflect back the same kind of pure love in its dealings with us.

Angel never argued, and we never fought. No misunderstood words, no cheating, no jealousy, deception, or manipulation. Just pure mutual giving and receiving of love. It was a divine and very pure friendship indeed. I will miss having her sweet being in my life, and at the same time, what I feel most is deep gratitude for how beautifully God answered my prayer on that day when I dared to ask for friendship and affection.

 

UPDATE: July 2008

Angel arrived in 1996 soon after my move to Cardiff by the Sea.  She passed away in 2006.

July 2008 was a challenging time both financially and physically, as had been the case for most of the previous twelve years.  After all, earning under the poverty line for over a decade without funds for basic expenses like health and dental care can take it's toll on your well being, especially since it was a series of illnesses and other challenges that brought me from a six-figure Hollywood income to this very austere existence that I had come to accept and even appreciate. 

As I describe in these newly updated memoir chapters (Chapter 34 on), these significant challenges came with great creative flows and spiritual growth, and also brought some drawbacks.  One was having my physical health deteriorate over the years.  In July 2008, I was feeling less physically well than usual, and I  actually had to borrow money from a generous friend to pay to file bankruptcy after being sued by a credit card that I had used for basic survival during years where I often earned less than $10,000 for the whole year. The previous year, I had writte the 2nd edition of Spirituality For Dummies -- a major rewrite -- and produced the 17 track music CD that came with the book, while receiving less than $10,000 pay from the publisher for the year.  And that was more than I'd earned in either of the previous two years.

I wasn't feeling well physically in July 2008, and as often would come up at such times, thought that maybe my time was coming to leave this party. After all, the initial spark for my public spiritual offerings had come as the inner command described in Chapter 37 of this book -- a command that included a birds eye view of my life and a whisper that "your works will be a classic after you're gone." 

The talented photographer who took the beautiful candle photo on the second edition of Spirituality for Dummies had offered to keep the Night Lotus website of free multimedia spiritual resources up and running, available and free if I were to leave this world, which gave me a feeling of solace about leaving whenever that time might come. 

On this evening, with my health waning, I felt it would be important to put these new chapters of the memoir --  imperfect and unpolished as they may be -- onto the website.  I stayed up late into the night with the painstaking task of creating pages for each of the new chapters, including photos and some media links.

At around 3 am in the morning, I put up the words and photos in the beginning of this chapter -- "Chapter 46: A Real Angel."  While arranging the words and photos, I felt nostalgic for the times of having a little furry friend to be with in my life of creative solitude.  Of course it was a commitment and responsibility to have a pet, and without enough funds to feed myself at times, I knew that it would be irresponsible to adopt one.  The idea had been on my mind because for the previous month I'd been checking the humane society's website to check on whether my neighbor's missing cat had been found.  Seeing all those kitty faces available for adoption made me feel a certain tug of the heart. But I didn't have the finances to be able to take on that kind of responsibility -- after all, during the previous month I had run out of money for food a couple times, and as usual wasn't sure if I'd be homeless the next month.

As I put up the original version of this chapter, I also mused that if a pet were to come in similar circumstances to Angel's arrival, I would have more faith that somehow, in spite of my current dire circumstances, I would be able to raise up the bar of surviving at basic need level to also include the needs of a little furry friend.  Also, I wasn't guided to go shopping for a pet -- to me that would be like using a dating service to find a soulmate, which may be fine for some, but wasn't my way.  I trusted the universe to choose the right pet for me better than I could choose for myself, as it had with sweet little Angel.  Because of the way she had arrived, I always thought of and treated Angel like the gift of God that she was -- certainly a good ingredient for a successful relationship of any kind.  While considering all this, I thought, wouldn't it be nice that miraculous kind of kitty appearance could happen again one day?

I finished uploading this chapter and moved on to put the last two chapters online, which brought their own challenging emotions. At 3:45 am, exhausted in mind and body, though still bright in spirit, I was ready to get a few hours of sleep.

I closed down the computer and opened the front door for a minute to feel a cool breeze of the nighttime air. 

There, sitting on my front porch, was a scared, hungry, and obviously homeless little kitty. 

Two months after his arrival, Buddy looked like this:

 

 

 

 

 

On to Chapter Forty-Six

Back to The Table of Contents

 

 

 

 

 

 

                   Prologue

Chapter 1: Awakening

Chapter 2: Never to Return

Chapter 3: I Chose This?

Chapter 4: Through the Years

Chapter 5: Exploring the Unconscious

Chapter 6: Faith-Healer

Chapter 7: Hidden Persuaders

Chapter 8: The Threshold of Life

Chapter 9: When the Student is Ready

Chapter 10: Magical Meeting

Chapter 11: Toward the One

Chapter 12: Who is Shiva?

Chapter 13: Destiny Calls

Chapter 14: Winter Wonderland

Chapter 15: The Happy Pauper

Chapter 16: This Karmic Dance

Chapter 17: Stoking the Inner Fire

Chapter 18: The Fruits of Surrender

Chapter 19: That Gracious Glance

Chapter 20: How Could He Be Gone?

Chapter 21: From Heart to Heart

Chapter 22: Get a Job

Chapter 23: Smash the Idol

Chapter 24: Clothed in Devotion

Chapter 25: Nemesis

Chapter 26: Who Are You Calling Jad?

Chapter 27: A Perfect Mistake

Chapter 28: She Still Thinks She Did It!

Chapter 29: Taming the Beast

Chapter 30: Undo What You Have Done

Chapter 31: The Great Guiding Force

Chapter 32: The Wish Fulfilling Tree

Chapter 33: Where is the Key?

Chapter 34: The Hollywood Chronicles

Chapter 35: A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Nirvana

Chapter 36: Love, Betrayal, and the Unseen Hand of God

Chapter 37: An Inner Command

Chapter 38: Cardiff by the Sea

Chapter 39: Miracles and Great Beings

Chapter 40: Shiva's Fiery Dance

Chapter 41: A Shifting Path

Chapter 42: Cheering up Nine Swamis

Chapter 43: Death Threat

Chapter 44: Spirituality For Dummies

Chapter 45: A Real Angel

Chapter 46: Send in the Clowns

Chapter 47: Dispassion and Death's Door

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoy Additional Works by Sharon Janis as part of the
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