Secrets of Spiritual Happiness

Secret #17 -- Positive Communications Bring Greater Happiness

 

    

 

By Sharon Janis

 

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

-Mohandas Gandhi

Many of us have been brought up being taught to squelch our honest communications for the sake of politeness or political correctness.   I suspect that this common tendency of holding back on expressing exactly what we really think is part of what makes the viewing public so enthralled with watching acerbic, insulting hosts - whether on news shows, game shows, or talent audition shows.   It's almost as though their blatant, piercing honesty feels good because it balances out our own frustrated communications. Many of us live with a mountain of unspoken thoughts and feelings that have accumulated throughout our lives.  

If we can begin to clear our minds of old angers and resentments that may have been bottled up inside ourselves long ago, we'll be better able to communicate more clearly to people today.   Unprocessed angers and resentments tend to seep through what we say, even to those who may have had nothing to do with the original offences.   It's like the idea that someone may have had a bad day at work and come home and kick the dog, so to speak, except that the sources of certain angers and resentments may be very old and deeply embedded in our psyches, and are therefore not so easy to discern.

The more you can keep your mind and heart clear of undigested emotions, the more effective your communications will be.   This doesn't mean that you have to be in silence all the time, or only espouse wise sayings all day long - although either of these options is fine if it's your thing.   Without the fear of losing yourself in undigested anger and other destructive emotions, you'll be better able to speak up for yourself before things get out of hand.   You'll be able to speak honestly and kindly at the same time.

Inevitably, there are going to be people in this world who will try to take advantage of you, or who will disrespect, harm, or steal from you in some way.   This is just part of human life at this particular time of evolution.   Not everyone understands that good for one is good for all, and harm to one is harm to all.   When you meet such challenging people or obstacles, you'll tend to do much better by communicating, asking questions, or giving honest feedback than you will by holding everything inside and having all your doubts, fears, and angers come out in harmful ways.  

A build-up of undigested emotions can create uncontrollable explosions of upset that blast forth after it's too late to communicate honestly but nicely - after you've already lost your happiness and composure, as well as perhaps your relationship and your job.   Therefore, it is generally best not to wait for troubles to get out of hand before communicating your thoughts and feelings about them.  

When you're not in danger of bursting open from pent up emotions or falling into some uncontrollable rage, then you will also be able to assess problems more clearly and objectively as they arise.   In any relationship - whether personal, business, or otherwise - you can communicate your feedback when someone has pushed one or two of your buttons, instead of waiting until they've pushed ten.   Even if someone doesn't like hearing what you have to say, you'll be able to share your honest thoughts more gently before things get out of hand, than after they've gotten worse. By being truthful and speaking with clarity, you'll be honoring yourself as well as the other person.  

Maybe you're concerned that if you speak your truth, someone might become angry and take something away from you, such as their friendship or assistance.   However, if you can get to a place where you trust God, trust yourself, and trust the other person's soul - which is also a spark of the Universal Soul - then you can learn to say things clearly, quickly, and in a way that's easier for another person to receive, without waiting until things get out of hand.   Your life will become smoother and clearer in the long run, and you'll have self-respect, which is worth more than any friendship or business deal that would fall apart simply because you're being honest about what you think and feel.  

Of course, there is always a need for balance between giving positive, honest feedback, and just complaining all the time.   Many of us choose to not communicate our thoughts because we don't want to come off as obnoxious complainers.   It took me a long time to learn how to speak my mind in the right way and at the right time.   I'd often remain silent, even in the face of injustice.   In fact, this was one of the important lessons that I encountered while living in an ashram, with the guidance of my spiritual guide, or guru.  

In one lesson, my guru had called me into her meeting room to ask about some false accusations that had been made about me.   I was working as video editor for the spiritual organization at that time, and the apparent accusations were that I'd erased precious video footage from the archives, and that I'd requested that several hundred videotapes be sent from New York to California, among other similar statements that were not at all accurate or true.   Nevertheless, my dear guru mentioned each accusation on the list to me, awaiting my response to each one.    I offered very little response in defense, even though the accusations were obviously silly and incorrect.

In fact, I had grown to believe that silence was an appropriate response to most challenging situations.   I was also fairly shy, and thought that saying nothing would be preferable to possibly saying the wrong thing. After all, the ability to speak clearly, honestly, and positively can take some practice.  

When asked about these untrue aspersions, I barely eked out a response. Obviously, my guru also knew that the accusations weren't true, and, after watching my lack of response to them, she commented that, "You never stand up for yourself!"  

Now, I didn't quite know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.   After all, I always examined the words of my guru with great care and respect.   She didn't exactly say, "You should stand up for yourself."   Perhaps it was just a call for me to contemplate the tendency and become more self-aware about why I wouldn't stand up for myself.

While contemplating my guru's assessment, I realized that, along with whatever shyness or childhood defense mechanisms may have contributed to my tendency to not stand up for myself, another deeper root of my silence came from faith in God.   Why should I have to defend myself in God's creation, when everything that exists is made up of one all-knowing divine God consciousness?  

I had also read many stories about saints and sages who chose not to descend into the level of "he said, she said," and who strengthened and proved their trust in God by remaining serene in the face of injustice.   From such stories, I thought that a good spiritual person should maintain silence in unjust situations.

However, through many years of contemplating my guru's words, I've also come to understand that sometimes silence is a good response, but at other times, speaking up can be helpful for creating greater happiness in life.   And, although very few people enjoy receiving criticism, the right critique, offered in the right way and at the right time, may also be exceptionally helpful in giving others the kind of feedback that can help make their lives happier in the long run.  

The important thing to do when you're about to give some possibly critical feedback is to scan your mind and emotions.   Look inside to see that your intentions are pure.   Make sure you're not just wanting to put someone down, or that you're not just expressing your own hardened patterns of opinions and frustrations.

Obviously, anything we do in this world will tend to be a mixed bag of motivations, however one step we can take to purify our motivations before communicating honest feedback to others is to stop for a moment and use our own will power and mental power to observe and ensure that our intentions are anchored in good.   Visualize what you hope the outcome of your communication will be.   Our intentions are the powers behind our actions; therefore, we should always pay attention to our intentions whenever we act or speak.

Don't wait for things to get so out of hand that you can't control your anger about a person or situation.   As soon as things get a little bit bad, you can take action, speak up, and deal with the budding problem right then.   Don't wait for a sprout to become a big yard full of tangled weeds.

If you're upset with somebody and don't communicate with them about why you are upset, then they'll most likely continue doing things that rub you the wrong way, and you'll most likely keep bristling and feeling anger.   Such emotions could end up affecting your state of mind, your work, your home life, and all kinds of things - including, of course, your experience of happiness.  

Of course, balance is also required with learning to communicate honestly and positively.   To create outer happiness along with spiritual happiness, we may need to control our outer expressions to some degree.   If you went around indiscriminately telling everyone exactly what you really think, some of those folks may not like you so much anymore. You might push their buttons, or break their rules.

I remember a scene from the black and white, 20 th century, "I Love Lucy" television show, where Lucy and her friends, while playing cards together, made a pact to speak exactly what they thought, honestly and fearlessly.   Eventually, they critiqued one another's style of dress and behavioral traits to such a degree that, by the end of the card game, they were all quite angry at one another.   Therefore, this practice of communicating with clarity and honesty is always a balance, as well as a skill that we can continually cultivate and refine.

 

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

- Caskie Stinnett

 

Some folks might bristle a bit from even well intentioned honesty, but they may also eventually find your honest feedback helpful in their own journeys - perhaps without even realizing that some of their positive shifts were sparked by your honest communications.   This is one reason why being helpfully honest requires a certain amount of service mentality and detachment from receiving immediate positive feedback from what you have offered.  

What matters most is your intention - your attitude of positive helpfulness.   If you are feeling anger toward a person or situation, it would probably be best to first take some time to cool off and contemplate what you'd really like to say, beyond just getting something off your chest. Being "honest" in the name of taking revenge or hurting someone's feelings would not be advised.   It could make the outer situation worse, and could also bring some unwanted karmic reactions into your life.  

The idea of karma is, in basic terms, cause and effect.   Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.   In the most simplistic terms, you could say: good in, good out, and bad in, bad out.   The actual science of karma is not nearly as simple and neat as that, however, in general, you can assume that positive actions create positive results, and that negative actions create negative results. Within this model of karmic action and reaction, it is our intentions that come back with the most potency.

If we act with a pure intention of being helpful, our actions are more likely to bear positive fruit.    Nevertheless, we don't always need to have obvious positive responses and outcomes to know that we are doing the right thing.   We know in our soul when we are coming from a pure intent of helpfulness.   That's the best time to communicate.   With a clear heart and clear communications, we're able to cut out many potential problems at the root, nipping troubles right in the bud.   In this way, we begin to create a more honest and happy life, for ourselves and for those around us.  

 

 

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