Secrets of Spiritual Happiness
Secret #21 -- Don't Let Others Tell You What Will Make You Happy
By Sharon Janis
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Once, an old man, a boy, and a donkey were traveling from one town to another. They decided that the boy would ride the donkey, and the old man would walk alongside. While moving down the road, they passed a group of townsfolk, who began speaking among themselves, saying what a shame it was for such a strong, young boy to be riding on the donkey, leaving this old, frail man to walk alongside. The boy overheard their words, and, feeling ashamed, suggested that the old man should ride the donkey, and that he would walk alongside.
A while later, they passed another group of people, who began commenting on how shocking it was to see this man riding the donkey, while making such a small boy walk. The two overheard their comments, and decided that they should both just walk and put an end to all these opinions.
Eventually, they passed some more villagers, who began to laugh at how silly it was for these two to be walking when they had a perfectly good donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, and they decided to both ride the donkey.
Soon, they ran into another group of people who were aghast to see such animal cruelty. What a load to put on this poor little creature! Hearing their words, the man and boy felt terrible. They wanted to give the poor donkey a break, and decided to carry the donkey for the rest of their way.
While crossing a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal, and he fell into the river, to be seen no more. The moral of this story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!
The majority is never right. Never, I tell you! That's one of these lies in society that no free and intelligent man can help rebelling against. Who are the people that make up the biggest proportion of the population, the intelligent ones or the fools? I think we can agree it's the fools, no matter where you go in this world, it's the fools that form the overwhelming majority.
- Henrik Ibsen
Many people spend their whole lives pursuing what other people have concluded happiness is, or what the media has told them that happiness is, or what companies that sell things have advertised happiness to be. Our mission is to break those lies and to find our true happiness. Then, we won't end up working hard all our lives to accomplish things that never bring true happiness.
How can you be truly happy if you're always squelching your inner wisdom, guidance, and dreams just to fit into other people's concepts and expectations, or to fit into worldviews that don't do justice to the depths of your deep soul intelligence and aspirations?
What if your deepest soul calling is to become a priest, and you are born into a community of staunch atheists? What if you love to study philosophy, but find that your friends and family are not interested in anything but the outermost appearances of things? What if your deepest aspiration is to help people, but your partner vehemently encourages you to accept a job that takes advantage of others, but pays well?
All seekers of spiritual happiness must find a balance between their true goals and beliefs and the expectations of those around them.
One reason I enjoyed living in the monastic ashram during the 1980's is because it was a treasure house of diverse and interesting views. This was a place where I could also explore and expand my own beliefs, ideas, and worldview. All kinds of folks found their way to meet and spend time with the two great spiritual teachers who have been the hubs of this spiritual path from the 1960's until present day. We had everyone from spiritual eccentrics, to CEO's, to barefoot hippie types, to the most famous celebrities of the day. I lived with everyone from tarot card readers, to French aristocrats, to accomplished scientists, to beautiful models, to all kinds of pre-"new-age" spiritual characters - since my ashram stay took place before spirituality became so mainstream.
I remember relishing the idea that so many different kinds of people could live together and still maintain their own uniqueness, while collectively striving to grow spiritually. For the most part, we would respect one another's individuality. After all, we were on a spiritual path that exhorted us to honor our individual connection to the creative power of God, and also to greet one another with great respect and love, and with all our hearts.
Nevertheless, even in this eclectic environment, we'd still encounter those who enjoyed judging others and trying to make everyone fit into their little boxes of "appropriate behavior," and "proper thought." In fact, you'll hardly find this quality entrenched anywhere as much as in spiritual communities!
Therefore, the same courageous independence that would allow us to actually seek and spend time with a guru was also necessary to help us strengthen and maintain our inner truth within the sphere of the spiritual community. We'd have to learn to hold our own and to develop great inner strength so we could stay focused on our personal wisdom, knowledge, and aspirations, and walk our own path, even within the larger path.
Each of us spends time in various circles of communities - from families, to schools, to religious organizations, to work situations. In each of these groupthink scenarios, it is our duty to learn from others without selling out what we know is right. If, for example, we can see that the emperor has no clothes - as in the children's tale - we may not run around blabbing about it to everyone, unless we enjoy being an activist; however we can at least contemplate and acknowledge within ourselves that the emperor is, indeed, quite naked.
Staying true to what we know may sometimes require that we not be too concerned with what others may think or say about us. It requires a certain self-contained confidence and faith - a freedom from marriage to the norm. Some may think that you're eccentric if you follow your dreams. That's okay. Just be eccentric enough to feel happy about their view of your being eccentric. Feel grateful to yourself for being honest, creative, and original in your approach to life.
Of course, this advice is coming from someone who is occasionally considered to be somewhat eccentric. Recently, while telling a friend about some neuroscientists I've been working with, I mentioned that we have gotten along very well, although I might be a little eccentric for them. My friend said, "You're a little eccentric for everybody! You're the eccentric's eccentric!"
Some might interpret a comment like this as negative, but I felt very happy while hearing my friend's words - yes, compared to many, I am eccentric. And in exchange for being considered as an eccentric by some, I get to be myself and speak my truth, at least to a greater degree than I would if my goal were to please everyone's judgments and expectations of what "proper people" should look like. I get to wear comfortable clothes and think comfortable thoughts. I get to keep my focus on God's presence any time I'd please - especially now, having written several spiritual books. In fact, being spiritual and happy is now my job!
Through God's grace and self-effort, I've been able to create a life that is in greater harmony with my nature, and in which I feel more comfortable expressing my true thoughts and inspirations to fulfill the inner command I've received, to "share what you've learned".
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
It's always a balance. Part of the challenge is to find out how much we want to fit into the majority views of society and how much to stay true to our deepest, unique, and perhaps even eccentric self.
The key to having spiritual happiness along with outer happiness is to find a balance where you can be true to yourself, while still fitting into society in a positive way. You could choose to just pursue your inner dreams without any consideration for society's opinions, but that might end up leading to an experience of spiritual happiness without outer happiness. It's up to each one of us to find the right balance of outer acceptance and spiritual happiness for our personal natures, lessons, and goals.
Now, I'd like to share with you one of my ongoing lessons in encountering others who have wanted to tell me what would make me happy. I've had a series of experiences regarding my choice of clothing style that have given me numerous opportunities to explore this balance between being congenial to those around me, while still being true to my personal nature and style. The basic fact is that I don't like wearing any clothes or shoes that are uncomfortable. My natural tendency is to dress simply, naturally, and for maximum comfort.
Through the years, every now and then, someone who knows me will come up with a brilliant brainstorm. "If only she dressed better, she'd be so much more attractive!" I've experienced this scenario many times, and with various friends. They get that bright look in their eyes, as though nobody has ever thought of this epiphany before. As they'd gently broach their offer to help me "put together a few outfits," I'd be thinking, "Here we go again!"
At one point, while living a monastic life at the ashram, I was given a substantial clothing allowance. One of the more fashionable women who lived there - a manager's wife, no less - offered to go shopping with me so she could help me choose more fashionable clothes. This woman also had that glint of "makeover time!" in her eyes. I was trying to be surrendered to giving new clothing suggestions a try, and ended up with several bags full of things like tight jeans and itchy wool sweaters. I gave them a chance, but in fact, they didn't have a chance of becoming a part of my comfortable wardrobe. "Let's see, what shall I wear today - the stiff, tight jeans with the clingy, itchy blouse, or these nice khaki pants and soft flannel shirt? Hmmm..." This reminds me of the story about a dog with a curly tail.
Once there was a dog that had a very curly tail. His owner wanted the dog to have a straight tail, and created a pipe to put over the tail. He'd pull the tail straight and placed the pipe over the straight tail. The tail would become straight. Then the owner took off the pipe, and zing! The tail would curl right back up. The owner would leave the pipe on the dog's tail for a day, a week, and then a month, but whenever he took the pipe off, the tail would curl right back up again.
This is how I was with all these friends who tried to get me to dress well. I tried to be open to upgrading my style, but found that the expectations of being "well-dressed" were uncomfortable in more ways than just the itchy, tight, fancy clothes that were being suggested. These styles weren't reflective of my nature, and trying to wear them created a sense of conflict and distance between my inner being and my outer presentation. I'm sure this is not unfamiliar to many who have to wear neckties or high-heeled shoes for their jobs (hopefully not at the same time!)
Learning to stay true to myself in this one area of clothing style also helped me learn to stay true to myself in other arenas. At the same time, I do try to be harmonious with the environment around me, whenever comfortably and honestly possible. It's always a balance.
Contemplate how you can maintain the integrity of your true beliefs in the midst of worldly expectations - to what degree and in what way. Some historical spiritual figures boldly espoused their spiritual wisdom and truth, and were martyred or crucified for their honesty. We are so fortunate today to have much of the world living in freedom. Therefore, let's take advantage of this blessed time, and take a chance on our dreams, whatever they may be.
Trust in the truth that's inside of you.
